Check your shampoo bottle label

Check your shampoo bottle label.

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!  It's the shampoo I use in the shower!  When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!
 
No wonder I have been gaining weight! 
 
Well!  I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
 
Problem solved!
 
If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!

1 + 2 = 3


Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin 
to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything.. .tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and 
enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, 
little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He 
didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to 
his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little 
Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him 
down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room 
without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as 
hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried 
to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly 
laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With 
great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, 
Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her 
curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was 
it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 
'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the 
structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of 
school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they 
weren't fooling around.' 

Drinking and Driving

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out with some friends and had a few too many beers and one or two tequilas.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

Texas Bible Test

An old Texan went to the local church and asked to join.  The preacher said, 'OK, but you have to pass a small Bible test first.'
The first question is 'Where was Jesus born?'
The man answered, 'Longview.'
The preacher said, 'Sorry...you can't join our church.'

Soooooo... he went to another church and asked to join.

The preacher said, 'We would love to have you, but you have to pass a Bible test first.  Where was Jesus born?'
The man said. 'Tyler.'
The preacher said, 'Sorry...you can't join our church.'

Soooo....he goes to another church and asks to join.

The preacher said, 'That's great; we welcome you with open arms.'
The man said, 'I don't have to pass no Bible test first?'
The preacher said, 'No.'

The man said, 'Can I ask you a question?'

The preacher said, 'Sure.'

The man said, 'Where was Jesus born?'

The preacher said, 'Palestine.'

The man mumbled to himself, 'I knew it was in East Texas somewhere.'

Life's Burning Questions

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one? 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist? 

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?' 

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?  (I have wondered this for years!!!)

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use.  Toothpicks? 

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?  What are we supposed to do, write to them?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive? 

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? 

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:  When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'THEIRS'? 

Reverse Logic

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? ;

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? 

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"? 

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? 

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? 

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? 

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? 

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural? 

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? 

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one? 

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? 

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? 
 

I dunno, why do we? 

The Evolution of the Big Banks

Scroll down and look at the chart below.  (If you click on it, it will become large enough to read.)  See First Union down there second from the bottom?  If this chart went back another 40 years, you would see that First Union evolved from a local savings bank -- just one free-standing bank with no branches -- where my parents opened a passbook savings account for me when I was 6.  I held onto that account for close to 50 years, with just enough money in it to keep it open, faithfully bringing in my passbook every three months to update the almost non-existent interest, with the account number getting longer and longer as each subsequent corporate owner of it tacked on more digits.  Ultimately, I was forced by Wachovia to give it up when they discontinued the "product".  Funny, I had never before that thought of the passbook savings account opened for me by my parents as a product.  To me, it seemed more like a gift.

By the time I was forced to close my childhood savings account, the bank had tellers younger than my passbook, and they were incredulous that I was saddened by the closure of an account that earned me a penny a month in interest.  Just pining for a lost era, I guess.

20111030_bank_evolution

Women!

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered.  He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. 

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.  Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.. on one condition..." 

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.  The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." 

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.  She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."